What it is and what it isn’t…

I have felt a major decline in my energy.  I want my energy back, so I’ve decided to start/restart a few things that used to energize me.  But I need help.

I’ve written in my journal multiple times about dedication, and what being dedicated to something, anything, would look like for me.  I got it wrong though.  I thought I could just decide to be dedicated, and that would be that.  I am slowly coming to the realization that dedication is a daily…hourly…moment-by-moment choice.

I am concerned that dedication will never get easier.  Is it something where if I follow through on “being dedicated” enough it will be like a habit?  Can dedication become a habit?  I guess I need to review what it is that I want to be dedicated to:

  1. My mental/physical/emotional well-being… but this is a broad and tangles topic.  The amount of time it would take to untangle is prohibitive and overwhelming…which is why I turn to Netflix, Amazon Prime, and HBO GO to shut down my brain.
  2. My job… I do a lot with suicide prevention and awareness.

One of the major barriers to my desire to be successfully dedicated is my unequaled ability to self-sabotage.  I read an article that a student referred to regarding self-sabotage.  One of the items that rang true for me was the act of “tomorrow-ing”.  For example, I am plowing my way through a pan of brownies knowing that it is a) not good for me, b) I’ll feel sick, and c) I’ll feel guilty.  So I say to myself, “Tomorrow…tomorrow I will start eating healthier and working out…”  And I have done that for the last 2-3 years.

I could tomorrow myself for a decade.  I need to “today it”.  Today, I will eat better, today I will go for a run, today I will not watch Dexter on Netflix, and today I will vacuum the carpets.  I did that yesterday…it felt good.  Do I still want a brownie?  Yes.  I felt knowing that I could, but that was only one day… I need to string together many days. So many days. A lot of days.

So today, I tomorrowed some tasks at work, but today I am going to read when I get home.  Today I am going to clean up the kitchen. Today is another day that I can succeed in my constant battle with realizing a healthy self.

Here’s to today.


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